What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
