i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
