Apparently you make a good broom.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
