8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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