I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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