i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
