im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
