I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
