Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
