he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
be right there i have to get my cape
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
