Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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