So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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