you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
