I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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