Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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