Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
