Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize