you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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