i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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