I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
