I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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