I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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