Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
