he looks like a really good dad on facebook
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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