Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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