I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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