so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
