I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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