His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
