I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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