in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
