so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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