I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
