legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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