Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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