clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So squirting runs in the family.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
