Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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