i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
