i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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