the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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