i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
