A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My liver just broke up with me...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
