I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
