With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
