I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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