He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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