And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
