Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
