1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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