Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
