it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
