i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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