dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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