Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
