how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
