I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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