Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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