I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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