Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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